waiting..

im giving you my all

so what are you going to give me

im waiting for you

planning not to fall

trying to catch my grip

i want you so bad

i never been so sure

i try so hard

not to call you my boyfriend

sometimes

i know i can be impatient

impatience makes me unkind

but im willing to put time on hold

until the day i can call you mine

i dont wanna seem like im foolish, just waiting on you, not knowing if i ever be with you. i never wanted someone so badly in my life, i wanna put up this fight, but im scared of putting too much pressure on you

and pushing you away. if you ever see this. i wish you can see the pain, that goes on in my mind... i just wish. 

lost for words.

this is not a good start.. this week is hard for me. my house, my family, now my friends. they say what doesn't kill  you make you stronger. i just feel so weak right now. my friend from school, malekai, has been shot in face. me and him had our moments in the past, but shit couldnt get even real right now. like why is everyone around me going thru so much. i want to be there.. but i cant even keep myself up right now. im crying. constantly. i just want this shit to end. i want a better day... i love my ship family cause i think this definitely go to them. all those who been hurt and going thru it, im here i will wipe your tears even if i have to wipe my own. i pray malekai gets thru this..as he is my friend and i care. but why is everything happening at one time...

a moment of silence

http://www.ydr.com/ci_17043081?IADID=Search-www.ydr.com-www.ydr.com

in my mind...

the other day. i crashed and i burned. no one caught me... i needed it. im slowing getting back on my feet. things will get better i promise myself that. my family... they are driving me to crazy but i love them and we gonna get through.. we gonna keep our house.. even if we lose fingers toes and all the other things we have. pain shows on everyone faces and it seems everyone is smoking and drinking their pain. im writing and thinking. its all i could do. i play with the babies to keep a smile on my face. they are too young to understand.

my friends are here for me. you realize who really there for you when things get rough. i love them all. they keep me smiling. i look at that necklace purple bought me... i got speak no evil...its a monkey and its covering his mouth. blue got hear no evil and purple got see no evil. imma talk more positive even though everyone tell me im one of the most positive people they know... maybe when it comes to my life, its a different story

right now im addicted to sex and the city and honey bunches of oats..they make me happy, and i found my appetite in cereal again =) oh how i miss thy so much.

on the phone the other day... somone told me i can make anyone fall in love with me.. later on i get 2 text messages sayin im too good to be true.. i told them i was talkin to someone... upset a few.. but im faithful..even if im not in a relationship. i cant talk to anyone else..even thou they all say keep your options open so you wont fall your face. i rather fall on my face with marcus then keep my options fully open. i care too much =)

on my mind, in my mind, 

new year... bullshit.

its them moments in our lives where we don't know what to do, i'm currently in that predicament. i didnt think things could be this bad. in the past 2 hours i cried and i cried. i wish she could understand, i wanna help but i dont know how. its not like i dont love you and i dont care but its so much to take in such little amount of time. i dont want to lose this, lose the base of our family dinners and our laughs, our arguments. i love my home. maybe i complain about it but i love my home. and i dont want to lose it. to start the new year off, knowing that its a chance we can lose our home, i dont know. all we got is each other to stay strong. but how can we stay strong, when we all falling apart...

im sick. im very sick. im losing alot of weight and i frequently have to go to the bathroom. i never thrown up so much in my life and i cant even enjoy my favorite meals. i eat about once a day, to survive. since thanksgiving i lost about 15 pounds. fatigue takes over and all i think of is sleep. its hard to deal with such metamorphosis.

i try not complain, i dont like to talk but i cant hold in such pain. i need to let it all out. i learn that from someone i care about.. someone im growing to love..